she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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