I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
wrigley field is MILF paradise
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
