My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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