a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
