At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
sarcasm needs its own font
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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