The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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