I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
