I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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