found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
