When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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