She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
