When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
