I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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