I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
