i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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