he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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