Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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