my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
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Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..