you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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