I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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