i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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