So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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