Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
