i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
