I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
