I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
