i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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