I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
