You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
