I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
