I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Randomize
