just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
