Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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