First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
