I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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