i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
