I can text with my tongue
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Terrible idea I love it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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