Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
