the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
