The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
