Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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