You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
