I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
