You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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