How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
