fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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