Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
