I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
