Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
