he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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