she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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