You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Rumble strips road head = magical
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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