I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
