Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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