Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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