Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
