dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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